P: The Problem of Feeling Pensive
I’ve never had a problem with writer’s block. What I find more distracting is feeling pensive. When I’m lost in thought, usually about something personal, I have a hard time thinking about what I’m working on. And there have been a lot of serious things to think about, especially in the last few months. This year has presented many opportunities for me professionally, all of which weigh heavily on my mind. When it comes to my career, I try to think things through. But I’m also a total over-thinker so I have a tendency to get carried away.
On a sadder note, a friend’s death earlier this year has kept me thinking about death, and life and how we live it. At odd moments, I find myself thinking about him and about his young daughter who will grow up without him. My high school reunion is coming up this summer and one of my classmates passed away this year as well. It’s a different sort of feeling when a peer passes away. Obviously, it brings to mind my own mortality. But more than that, it makes me think about how I spend my time. I’m thankful for the opportunity to do what I love and especially grateful that my career allows me the flexibility to spend tons of time with my kids. These moments are so precious.
And finally, I’m getting married this year. As you might have guessed, this isn’t my first rodeo. Over the past few years, my family has done a lot of adjusting. The kids and I went from being on our own to living again as a family with a showroom new co-parent. Learning to co-parent again has been challenging. And moving to Colorado so that the kids could have more time with their father was also a big transition for all of us. There are a lot of serious moments when the stress seems overwhelming. But there are also these joyful times when we’re all (and I mean all of us, including my ex) are working together so well. We’re a family – just configured differently.
Whether it’s my age or my previous experiences, I find myself approaching my new marriage much more seriously than I would have imagined. When you’re young, it’s easy to get caught up in the wedding. At this stage in my life, I think a lot about the actual marriage and what it means to me and to our whole family. Some days, I am full of doubt. After all, if I couldn’t make the previous marriage work, what makes me so optimistic about this one? I could tell you that part of what makes it different is my fiance, and I wouldn’t’ be lying. He’s my best friend and we’ve been through a lot together. But I think the thing that makes this time around different is actually me. When I look at myself now vs. 15 years ago, I know that I am a very different person now. I have grown. I’ve become much more self-aware. I’m the best me I can be and I think that makes a difference.
Most of all, I finally realize that failure is a very subjective concept. After my divorce, I wasn’t feeling terribly confident about my relationship-ing abilities. I felt like a failure. I’d failed my children. I’d failed myself and my husband. I was fully willing to not only carry the entire burden of my failed relationship, but I’d allowed the divorce to grow into something monstrous – something that would likely destroy all our lives. For those of you who are divorced with kids, ever feel that way? It’s taken me years (and therapy J) to discover that there are very few things in the world that are that black and white. And while my marriage didn’t work out, I was still capable of making good choices for me and for my children. And you know what? I think we’ve done OK.
See, this is me feeling pensive. As uncomfortable as these pensive moments may be, I know that I learn from them. So here’s to embracing discomfort, sitting with our feelings, opening our minds and learning how to be successful in our lives (whatever that means to each of us).
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I'm generally pulled in a million different directions and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Here's a glimpse of my life - hope you enjoy it! And if there's a big lapse between posts, well, that's the way life goes in Amy's world.